The Tier System For Dummies

*this is a comedy post aimed at lightening the mood.  Please check the gov.uk for details about your tier

So you’re in the UK during a pandemic – now what?

First of all – don’t panic.  The government have promised to ‘follow the science’ and simply ask that the public use their own common sense in the face of this ‘unseen menace’.  Sadly while for some people this means taking extra care with hygiene, not leaving the house if you have a temperature and avoiding their elderly Granny – for others this means fighting over toilet roll and driving to Barnard Castle to test their eye sight.

Still there’s no need to become overly concerned, the government will now give clear concise instructions, to avoid all doubt.

1. Don’t go to work unless you have to go to work

2. Stay at home unless you have to go out

3. Wear a mask unless you’re not wearing a mask

4. Don’t use public transport unless you must use public transport

5. Protect the NHS by clapping on your doorstep

6. Protect the economy by eating out for four weeks

See it’s all very simple – hands, face, space, strike a pose.

Should this super helpful government advice fail to curb the ‘unseen menace’, the nation will be placed into tiers.  Your tier will be decided based on a number of factors, including but not limited to – the local rate of infection, hospital capacity and your proximity to Andy Burnham.

Tier 1 – the golden tier.  We all look upon tier 1 areas with a mixture of envy and reverence.  You must wear masks and stay at home if you develop symptoms but apart from that you can pretty much crack on as usual.  Just don’t hug your Granny and on Wednesdays you must sacrifice a virgin on the village green.

Tier 2 – the ‘makes no sense’ tier.  You can sit in a restaurant with five other people, go to the pub, shop, work, study, excercise.  Basically you can do what you want with whomever you like, but only if there’s a card machine present and you probably shouldn’t look at your Granny.  If you do you’ll grow hair on your eyelids.

Tier 3 – the mouse wheel tier.  Go to work, go to the shops, go home. Work, spend, work, spend, work, spend – but do it alone and don’t you dare enjoy yourself!   You can talk to your Granny but only if you bathe in antibacterial hand gel first.

Tier 4 – the brave new tier.  Go home.  Stay there.  Unless you have to leave for work, then you should leave.  Go home again.  Essential shopping only.  All residents of tier 4 areas should consider themselves personally responsible for the demise of Pret A Manger.  Only think about your Granny if you’re sure it’s essential.

While there are currently four tiers, at any time more tiers could be introduced, with new and ever more baffling rules.  Here are some of my predictions for after Christmas.

Tier 5 – the one with the kids.  Everything closes unless they have the cash to jnstall a freezer with some pizzas and micro chips in order to be deemed ‘essential’.  It’s Spring 2020 revisited and the kids are off school again.  Parents attempt to physically split themselves in two in order to work and educate/entertain/prevent injuries to their children.  Clapping returns.  Joe Wicks is knighted.  The vaccine is issued on a lottery basis.  All Grannies must now open a TikTok account.

Tier 15 – blunderdome.  As lorries gather dust waiting to board ferries to Calais, Boris Johnson assures the country that there will be no rationing.  The following week toilet roll, pasta and wine are rationed.  There are protests about wine.  Everywhere is closed apart from allotments – nobody has seen a tomato in months.  We may speak of Granny once a week.

Tier 23 – the tier of two halves.  Only beige food is considered essential.  If your name begins with a vowel, you must wear a full body suit when you leave the house.  Vowelers are looked upon with suspicion and their neighbours are encouraged to report them for existing.  Toilet roll is now currency.  It is illegal to say that you have a Granny.

Tier 136 – the tier to end all tiers.  Areas in this tier will be surrounded by ‘temporary’ 6 foot walls, built by the military.  More will be spent on these walls than was spent on the world beating test and trace app.  Clapping now happens on an hourly basis.  All Grannies are now vaccinated and may move freely from tier to tier, which they do, in groups of way more than six – in a slow but steady march towards the capital, to give that Boris a piece of their mind.

All joking aside, I will cry like a baby when I can finally hug my Grandma again.  I hope she knows how much we miss her.  Whatever tier you’re in, whatever you’re doing, I hope you have a lovely Christmas.  Please take good care of yourself – next year will surely be better.

Love Rachel ❤️